Excerpt from 'Abduction and Justice'
Chapter One: Brush with Death
November 5th, 1985
I was walking down a dark, rounded tunnel with dim light coming from the end, which was a long distance away, probablyl several hundred yards. I looked in front of me, walking toward the light. I sensed a tall, calm, and kind man walking slightly behind me to my left. We spoke to one another, but we weren't using words. I'm not sure why I didn't turn around to face him and look him in the eye. Something told me that wasn't important. It was important to continue moving forward, toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
"Who will take care of your children?" he asked.
"I don't know", I told him. "I Know that I don't want it to be my mother-in-law. She is sick and I don't think she could raise my children properly. Most of her boys are terrible to her. I don't want that to be the way my children are raised."
"I also don't want it to be my parents. They are too old and don't have the energy. I'm not convinced that my parents could prepare my children for the discrimination that they are likely to face their lives. My parents are white and I don't think they understand my kids' need to be strong to be able to deal with prejudice in the world."
"Is there anyone you an trust with your children?" he asked me.
"The only other people are my sisters, and I know that wouldn't work. Mary cares about my kids the most, but they would be too much for her to handle. She never wanted to have kids, and they would drive her crazy-they have to much energy. They're hard enough on me. My older sister Pip is nurturing, but she does not offer much discipline or structure. She doesn't have the kind of personality to impose rules or hold her one children accountable. My children need more structure, and I know she can't give them that." I concluded.
"Who, then?" he asked gently.
I almost turned around to face him when he asked me this. I stopped walking and stood still for a few seconds though it seemed like a very long time. I took a dee breath and stood silent. When I answered, I felt great sadness.
"I guess there is no one. I guess I have to go back myself. I don't know anyone I trust enough to raise my children."
It was like switching channels on a television. Suddenly, I was no longer in the tunnel; I was floating in the air like an invisible cloud, hovering over two people on a bed. One person was hunched over, blocking my vview of the other person who was lying prone. I floated in closer, trying to figure out what I was looking at and what what happening. There was a strange and ugly guttural sounds coming from the person lying prostrate on the bed. The sounds were sickening. It was a gasping, choking, or coughing sound. I moved closer to see the people more clearly and then I recognized them: I was the body lying on the bed. And the person hunched over me-strangling me-was F. His bare hands wrapped tightly around my throat as he squeezed hard and thrusted his full weight down upon my throat, madly trying to choke the life out of me. I immediately moved away in digust and fear, and then the mist that seemed to be my being returned and re-entered my body through my right ear.
As soon as it did, I remember a story I had heard about a lion tamer who was attacked by one of his lions. He was about to die, so he stopped fighting and went limp. The animal immediately lost interest in killing him. I made my body limp and the guttural sounds stopped. I felt his powerful grip on my neck release. All was quiet. I struggled to open my eyes, but all I could see was blackness. I could feel that my eyelids were open, but I was completely blind. Suddenly, I heard F sobbing. He cried, "I'm sorry! I'm so very sorry! I didn't mean to do this!"
I struggled to understand what was happening and where he was; I couldn;t feel his hands on my neck. My body felt stiff. My brain tild me to get away from him as quickly as I could, but I couldn't move or see. Slowly, vague images began to emerge as if I were underwated in a black lake. As the murky images took on more clarity, I could see the shadow of the huddled form of F sobing over my body. He believed he had killed me.
It was as if my senses were in a black box. I could not see; my ability to hear and feel were very diminished. After what felt like an eternity but was probably only a few moments, my physical sensations slowy returned. My throat ached and throbbed as if someone had poursed acid down it. I felt my heart beat wildly as if it were trying to run away from my attacker. As my vision returned, my eyes burned intensely as if I were in a fiery, smoke-filled room. I let out a hoarse cough and a huge electric rush ran through my body. The rush gave me the strength to sit up. I edged my way off the side of the bed and headed for the bedroom door.
Fear gripped me as he followed. I wanted to run, but I had to be careful. If I moved too quickly, he might attack me again. I heard him repeat he never meant to hurt me. I groped my way to the door and headed down the hallway to get out of the house. He grabbed my arm and held me in place, refusing to let me go.
"Y-you know that our relationship is over, d-don't you?" I stammered.
"If you are willing to take my life, then whatever we might have had is over." He enfolded me in his arms tenderly as he sobbed into my shoulder, telling me over and over he had never meant to hurt me.
I felt an odd comfort in his embrace and I embraced him in return. My mind told me out life together was over. I could no longer trust a person who had tried to kill me. I knew he no longer had any respect for my life, but I also felt incredible sorrow for him and out family and out future that was lost. I clung to his warmth.
Fo several minutes, we sobbed in one another's arms, gaining some peace from wach other's sadness and vulnerability. I thought how strange it was to be embraced tenderly by someone who had just tried to murder me.